One Month Reflection: And The Why and What of an Illness

(cover, Magic Girl altered journal, (c) 2021)

Hello Friends,

Wow, Deb – an adventure, a pause, a blessing- we are so glad with the outcome.
-Kim, a friend’s Facebook message

An Adventure

I’ve been a why kid from the start.  Relentless in the quest to understand the world around me (and then later as I matured, the one within) I have an appetite to know stuff.  Once when my family visited my grandparents on their farm in rural southwest Virginia, the story goes I traipsed after my grandpa asking why -and rightfully so with all the curiosities- Why did I have to go the the potty shed outside that smells like poop and with spiders watching in the corners??  Why do you eat squirrels for breakfast?? Why don’t you have a faucet, why don’t you have heat, why is that stuffed raccoon with glass eyes that keep staring at me and bald patches on his head in my bedroom??

When he ‘d had enough, he made an excuse to go check on “something” in the upper pasture and slip out the back porch door. 

When Life, God, Source, soul, inner being, whatever your view of that which is bigger than our human psyche presents a surprise, we ask why.


I talked to my neurosurgeon, Dr. Safain recently, and I learned more about the tumor make up: not one but two types that perplexingly, I was born into this life with.  A slow growing tumor, a ganglioglioma which “is a rare brain tumor with both glial cells (responsible for providing the structural support of the central nervous system) and neuronal cells (the functioning component of the central nervous system)”, as well as a benign pituitary adenoma, whose perfect storm converged on July 23rd.  In fact, in all his years as a surgeon he’s only seen this presentation two times prior.  And astoundingly, my endocrinologist team (how truly bizarre to have a “team” of doctors now) says my case will be published in an upcoming medical journal because it is such a rarity!  Oh my stars.  What a specimen! I reckon that must make me Pituitary Tumor Royalty. Ha.

My doctors and I are geeking out on this. They beam when I go in for follow ups and I joke to them, “What, no red carpet?” I am such a freak of nature, it allows for stimulating conversations that get the why kid going all the more.  Spoiler alert: If you are not one who also geeks out at the scienc-y stuff jump down past the next 3 photos.

(My brain: the red circle was the tumor with the eyes above and the two black dots, the carotid’s in the body of the tumor.  Some of the tumor was left around the arteries due to risk concerns, but we (my prayer posse and I and to which you are most welcome to join in.  Nothing official we simply send up prayers with this intention on our own.) are intending for it to collapse and die out on its own and for the growth hormone to normalize so I will not need continuing treatment.)

(My vision test just before the surgery, July 25th.  The black denotes no vision. Yikes!)

(My vision when retested on Aug. 20th.  The dark dots are naturally occurring blind spots that we all have. Vision is perfectly restored.)

 Pause to ponder. 

Can we ever know the whole of the Why’s?

+Before we knew the full story of the tumor and when asked, Dr. Safain shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Bad Luck? Genetics? We really don’t know.”  Of course, now on a purely physical level, we have lots more information, that truly saved my vision and quite possibly life.

+ The subscribers to the sinner’s path might say I am being punished.

+Metaphysicians might conclude it must be karma since I was born with this tumor….

Good Karma?  When I reincarnated did I elect to take this on earning merits and knowing how the ripple effects would bring blessings, open hearts, draw my family closer together, deepen bonds between me and my beloved friends and community?  How I might rise up to thrive through this surprise and maybe write about it so another who faces their own hardships might rise up too?

Bad Karma?  Am I working off a debt (as some think) from a long ago demerit placed on my soul?  A dirty deed that has boomeranged at my head?

+Is it a spiritual imbalance left too long, as shamanism believes, and now long overdue for some clearing out and aligning?

+Or just time to remove  some low vibe matter that my body has no need of, allowing for a higher vibe future?

The Why Kid may never know.

A Blessing

(a page from altered Magic Girl journal, (c) 2021).

Thumbing through an unfinished altered book I made years ago, I was reminded of something I wrote about Fate and destiny:

(altered Magic Girl journal, (c) 2021).

“The choreographer of the spiral dance is our Fate.  Fate is a weave of soul blueprint, our unique potentials, combined with patterns laid out from long ago lives and the consequences of feelings, thoughts, choices, actions. 

Skills honed over the passage of the ages blend with presented opportunities to advance or lay fallow.

Stitched in are the predispositions of who we are right now; our personality, our nature and nurture, leanings and aversions.

Nestled in our infinite core, Fate is a seed, activated by our free will.  Fate then is not an inevitable fortune, or some logical predetermined end, but instead a cosmically potentized body and soul brew of what can be.

Fate, once set in motion can hint of destiny’s direction.

Buried in fertile soil, sprinkled with just the right amount of rain, and warmed with regular doses of sunshine, an acorn can grow into a mighty oak.

But because the variable of free will is involved, the same is true of our destiny.

The steps of our awakening cannot be foretold absolutely.

That acorn stuffed into the squirrel’s cheek becomes nothing more than a tasty snack.  Throw in divine intervention and we add another wild card to the mix.

This is what I suspect is happening to me…”

(altered Magic Girl journal, (c) 2021).

These days I’m increasingly interested in the What’s.  What do I do with what is given me?  What blessing or curse will I nurture? I may not be in control of what shows up on my doorstep, but I can decide how I will respond.

I’ll finish with a quote, and an anthem of sorts for the days ahead + how I would wish to make the most of the brain tumor blessings (B.T.B):

(altered Magic Girl journal, (c) 2021).

Dance to the rhythm of your soul.
Chase dreams growing in your heart.
Believe in your healing process.
Be gentle with yourself.
Be generous with the time it takes to grow.

Remember that our struggles are our testimonies.

I believe in you.
I believe the light is still there when all you see is darkness.
I believe our stories matter.
I believe in hope.
I believe in tomorrow.

There is hope to be found in the blank pages, in the chapters still to be written.

Your book of life is precious.

No one else can tell your story.
Let’s keep writing our stories.
Let’s keep dreaming and hoping.

-Dele Olanubi

To life,
Deborah Fay

Leave a Reply