musings + adventure along the path
This Too Belongs.
I’ve started subbing at the local middle school in the past few weeks. Being in a classroom with these alternately tender, sweet, annoying, exasperating, inspiring souls day in and day out opens the mind to wondering and reflecting. I overheard one student say she was held back to repeat a year and I can relate to that in how I have felt recently about my own earth school classroom. The scenarios we are, many of us facing, can feel literally like being “held back”. We may feel stuck in our circumstances, what with the limitations or even death to our once ordinary routines and daily rounds. Restrictions are placed on nearly any and everything we never had to think twice about. And with no real end in sight, for our household this means being suspended in a holding pattern that I have been struggling with and chafing against. Not wanting this. Resisting doing what I don’t want to do (yes, read subbing at a middle school, HA!). Not wanting being unable to retreat to the sanctuary of my beloved libraries to research, read, write, blog, muse. Not allowed to linger with friends at the coffeehouse, meet for gatherings with soul sisters for dinner and conversation. To meditate at the sangha. Not having the deep quiet and solitude I need for sanity sake in the home. Not wanting the difficulties I face in my personal life. Not wanting to gaze into that cracked mirror, see a reflection that pains me deeply. Depression, the black dog that skulks alongside whenever I stray too far into thinking about what is not working has me wondering: What will my future hold? What will become of me? How will I overcome all that has been lost? Can I create something better for myself?
I’ve been reminded that This Too Belongs. Reminded that I do have a choice in how I hold my life right now. And that the not wanted belongs. The pain of what has ended belongs. The missing of friends, special places, of feeling safe; this too, belongs. Holding close and with compassion our human instinct to push away. And pause to reconsider. At times like this we can open our hearts to what we are feeling with care and awareness. The hurt belongs. The sadness and grief, yes, they belong. The worry of the unknown, belongs. Inviting the depths of Life in its many shades allows the heart to open with dignity and authenticity, to be truly alive. To accept with grace that today, the dishes may pile up in the sink. The big plans I had for de-cluttering, for dust bunny removal on an epic scale, for painting, organizing paperwork, wild wandering, have given way to another agenda. One that includes very little accomplishing outwardly. Writing today, acknowledging here, is a ritual of profound vulnerability that makes being not ok, ok. That makes not doing, ok. That makes accepting the wariness, weariness, the need for space to be and allow the yuck room to surface and be named in the light of day. The rite of including is a healing one, a transformational one, a humane one. Attending and befriending the unwanted today is an act of soul magic. And if I have also named a place you find yourself in too, may you join me in the circle of self-care, love and interconnectedness.
You belong, too.
A wonderful podcast to take a listen to:
Another rambling soon….